Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
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All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets