Duck typos.
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The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
“How’s your day going?”
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda