If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
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If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
White Castle for the Win
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?