the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
You Might Also Like
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
an octopus is just a wet spider
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.