I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
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In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I’d … I’d rather not.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?