Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
You Might Also Like
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Had to try this trend 😊
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
we all know this pain all too well
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*