I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
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If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.