100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
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Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
What?!?
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
the battle rages on
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.