It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
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I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
The Others (2001)
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.