Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
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Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession