People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
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my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
incredible
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Oh thanks BBC.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Labreador
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea