I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
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If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Love thy neighbor’s dog
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.