TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
You Might Also Like
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
me and who
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.