“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
You Might Also Like
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
I could NOT have put it better myself.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”