Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
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“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Good morning.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
real
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted