Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
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I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Good boy 😂😂
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced