5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
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If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.