me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
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Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Morning my dudes.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
When can I start eating bats again.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
that colleague who touches your screen
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?