I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
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I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Goodnight 🐶
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”