5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
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Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
There is no “we” in pizza
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos