I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
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I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly