You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
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If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I would move hell over six inches for you
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping