“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
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Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
At least my masseuse has my back.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!