Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
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Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Me driving through Toronto
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.