“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
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U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn