If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
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“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
my first day as a raccoon
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Ferrari squats
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*