Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
You Might Also Like
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works