MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
You Might Also Like
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
They grow up so quick
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015