I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
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[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes