Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
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this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I think this should do it.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore