This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
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I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Mad Max: Furry Road
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know