Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
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I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Woke up against my better judgment again
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
They’re on their honeymoon
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
man: wait
time: no
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount