Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
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Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Weirdos gonna weird.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me