[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
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asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
X-tra spooky blend
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
they finally got him. they got macavity