When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
You Might Also Like
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.