Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
You Might Also Like
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised