(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
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I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me