“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
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I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
#dalle2
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.