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[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
That’s incredible! 👌
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.