You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
You Might Also Like
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???