[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
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I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors