I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
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I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Don’t we all.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today