Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
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cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.