Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
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This will never not be funny to me.
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Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”