me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
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Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.