I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
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[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
time for some seasonal decor
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I WON A HAM TODAY
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap