FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
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She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What