If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
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just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
my dad has had enough
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.