You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
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james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I hope this email finds you in a well
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Time heals everything 🙂
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If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
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Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive