I’m having an out of money experience.
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HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.